I am creating this blog as an alternative to a traditional journal. All my life I've romanticized the process of journal-writing. I liked the idea of having a shelf of beautifully-bound books filled with my handwritten memories--but that's simply not me. This blog will serve my purpose just fine, and it will save trees and space on my shelf.
My main purpose of this blog is self-discovery. I feel like I've entered into a new phase of life: One where I am far less concerned about my general acceptance or the attention I receive. What I do care about is that I represent myself well, and that I am honest. I hope that this blog will help me to process my thoughts at a deeper level and motivate me to live a more deliberate, meaningful life.
Here is my basic profile: I am a 28-year-old woman. I am happily married. I have a precious son who just turned 1, and I am 6 months pregnant with my second son. My husband is an Assistant Professor at the local University, and I am a certified music teacher. We own a home in town, and I am taking some time off work to be home while my children are small.
Now, a little bit about what made me decide to start this blog. A few years ago when my husband was working on his PhD, we were both just trying to scrape out a good start. I was teaching full-time and working on my Master's degree, and it was more than enough to teach all day, take grad classes at night, and eventually collapse into bed. There didn't seem to be much time to evaluate whether or not I was "living deliberately." Fast-forward 3 years, and we have definitely come a long way. My son was born, my husband accepted an out-of-state professorship, I quit my job to be home with my son, and here we are. We are now settled into a pretty comfortable middle-class life. For a moment, I found myself releasing a breath and saying to myself: "Ah, we made it."
Of course, I quickly realized that this is only partially true. When I think about my current life and all the many things I am thankful for, I find myself also having a bit of a personal dilemma. This phase of life has allowed for a respite from my usual head-spinning schedule, which has provided time for some self-reflection. I am confused by my conclusions. At the simplest level, I can't always clearly identify my likes and dislikes. Sometimes I misrepresent myself by claiming to have an interest in something, but then realizing later that the interest is not authentic. I recently started asking myself questions like: "Do I really enjoy taking walks, or do I just wish I did? Do I enjoy the idea of having a garden far more than the real gardening process? Do I truly enjoy listening to classical music, or do I simply respect the art form." Sometimes I can't tell the difference between qualities that I find admirable and qualities that I actually possess.
On a deeper level I claim to have a strong set of beliefs, but I can not identify significant ways in which I have enacted those beliefs in my life. I also have trouble sitting in one place for too long. I have an unending fear of missed opportunities. As I mentioned, I felt very strongly about staying home for a few years with my children--but not even a year later, I find myself looking for available teaching jobs as my son naps. I've halfheartedly looked into getting certified in massage therapy or cosmetology as part-time work options, and I have no idea if I would even enjoy working in either of those areas. Sometimes it feels like the only elements in my life that will forever have my enduring faithfulness are my husband and children. The rest of my content as a person seems to be constantly influenced by whatever comes along, and I just don't want to accept it anymore. I want to know who I am as a person. I want my decisions to have meaning and weight in my life. I want to live deliberately.
So, that's me. To sum it all up, I am a pretty average person with nothing very special about my life story. I am not someone who is blogging to make people laugh, lament my suffering, or be incredibly insightful. I am simply working toward some internal clarification. I just decided that I'd rather grow through life than go through life.
